Bad Luck

I feel like luck and other wordly beings are just not on my side. After all my relevatory ramblings yesterday, you'd think at least the little stuff in my life would go right. However, that is not the case. I feel like crap at the moment because i've been waiting for this one thing this whole entire week and was really excited about it. However, as luck would have it, i left my cell phone in the car, didn't realize that i had, and missed this thing i had been waiting for because of my carelessness. So many if only's. If only we had left at 11pm instead of 10:20 i would have been able to catch that call or would have at least came home in time. If only i had walked downstairs to get a drink of water, or wanted something from the car around then. Sigh...why does everything turn out wrong for me. Is this some sort of sign or is it just my growing irresponsibility because of this uneventful summer? I feel like i have no motivation, no driven purpose right now and it's definitely doing something bad to me. Hopefully, i make up all the lost ground. Feeling like a complete loser doesn't suit my shaky emotions well.

Harry Potter

The title really doesn't have anything to do with what this post is about...but I felt like using it anyway. So, it's 1:40am...there's a guy from Directv who is supposed to come to our house between the hours of 8am-12pm and here i am, hair wet from a shower and on the computer at 1:40am, in which i probably won't get to bed until somewhere after 2am. I know, it's not good...but the combination of the fact that i really want to keep reading the last Harry Potter book and that i'm quite a night person doesn't help. I also haven't written in a while, and that goes for both online blogging and journal writing. I just felt the need to get some thoughts down right now. So here it is. Unfortunately...i don't really feel any better about how things are going for me that i had in the couple years that have past. I've re-read some of my more positive posts...but all the positive words always seem to fade sooner or later. I feel like i'm doing something wrong in my life...and that that something wrong is something i don't want to get rid of, even though it's been festering in the back of my mind for a while. I feel like...if i let it go...i'm just going to spiral down into oblivion with no one to stop me. And that, my friends...is pretty scary if you ask me. Where do I go from here? I'm really quite at a lost at what to do, when things are looking good (on the surface) i kind of trick myself into just going along, but the depressive things are forever lurking right underneath. I feel like, no matter how hard i try, i can't get rid of them. Not even one. I would seriously jump for joy if one of those negative aspects of my life resolved themselves, but as my luck would have it, not a single one has decided to take leave. Am i doomed to live a life of day by days and month by months, going about life as i know i should...writing e-mails, looking up MCAT classes and doing well in school just so i don't completely fail at life. But superficially succeeding can only go so far...what happens when you're emotionally failing at the same time? How long can that go on for? What path is there for me to take, what is there for me to do to help fix what is wrong? I feel at a loss, and have been for a while...i want to give up, and i think about it so often, but i know that to give up is cowardly. To face the problem and do my best to get it resolved, no matter how many times my attempts keep failing...there's always hope, and it's that hope that i keep clinging onto. I hope some day very soon, that hope will be realized and i can feel like this whole keep trying and one day you'll make it bit is true.

In contemplation,
Me

Finals

So...i've been MIA from here. I'm not quite sure why. I had plenty to rant and rave about. I think blogger would be cooler if they gave an option to private posts you don't want people to see. I feel like i flip flop between here and my xanga. Is xanga starting up again? I know mysapce is pretty popular. Anyway...my intention for starting this post was to write about some things on my mind. I got the urge after reading some blogs, xangas, etc...by other people. However, now i'm not in the mood anymore. My first final is tomorrow and I need a 84.5% on it to get an A in the class. Wish me luck!!! I should probably go to bed soon... Looks like this is just gonna be a somewhat pointless post. Oh well. Good night.

I feel like one part of my life is a really beautiful garden, with roses, tulips, violets, and green bushes and trees and a cute little path with a pretty iron bench...but in this garden, there's this small clump of ugly weeds, writhing and clawing at its surroundings. And like most weeds, they're beginning to spread to other parts of the garden...slowly, but surely...and i want to stop them; i want to be able to get rid of them...but no matter how much weed-be-gone i keep spraying they keep on living. I feel like their resilience is destroying the wonderful garden i worked so hard to make and keep alive and beautiful. All the love, tenderness, effort and energy i put into this oasis is being taken over by the weeds' ugly vines and leaves...and i'm left wondering if anyone out there is trying as hard as I am to keep the garden alive...or how much they want the garden to stay alive with its beauty intact.


Am i just fighting a futile battle?

>.<

When i'm mad or upset i always feel the need to write, to get my feelings and emotions out...but dammnit i left my journal back at school...so now i only get to fake write here because well...i need an outlet. Basically i feel like the title of this entry. It's a cute depiction of how i feel... You know what else usually takes my mind off things and makes me feel better? Shopping...yup. Life's a bitch, you try so hard to be good and make it go right but it just slaps you in the face, like...haha and you thought everthing was going smoothly, but it's NOT! I seriously think i'm going to turn bitter if things don't start turning around.

too many things...way too many things...

"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

"When you're a kid, it's Halloween candy. You hide it from your parents and you eat it until you get sick. In college, it's the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well... you know. As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. Because good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing."

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

"In life we're taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones... gluttony, pride, lust. But the thing you don't hear much about is anger. Maybe it's because we think anger is not that dangerous, that you can control it. My point is, maybe we don't give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all, when it comes to destructive behavior, it did make the top seven."

"Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

San Diego

I just got back from San Diego...not as warm as i would've liked it to be but it was still nice to get away for a few days. I had time to reflect on a lot of things, and i realized that i really like Grey's Anatomy...while i watched it, it made me think about myself and my life. I've realized that life will work out sooner or later even though it seems like it won't. I'm gonna try a new approach to this year...i don't really know if i'll succeed or not, but hey it's worth a shot. The only thing i need to do is stick to it and not revert back to my old habits that don't seem to be too beneficial for me. I think i'm going to try and let go now... Wish me luck.