Harry Potter

The title really doesn't have anything to do with what this post is about...but I felt like using it anyway. So, it's 1:40am...there's a guy from Directv who is supposed to come to our house between the hours of 8am-12pm and here i am, hair wet from a shower and on the computer at 1:40am, in which i probably won't get to bed until somewhere after 2am. I know, it's not good...but the combination of the fact that i really want to keep reading the last Harry Potter book and that i'm quite a night person doesn't help. I also haven't written in a while, and that goes for both online blogging and journal writing. I just felt the need to get some thoughts down right now. So here it is. Unfortunately...i don't really feel any better about how things are going for me that i had in the couple years that have past. I've re-read some of my more positive posts...but all the positive words always seem to fade sooner or later. I feel like i'm doing something wrong in my life...and that that something wrong is something i don't want to get rid of, even though it's been festering in the back of my mind for a while. I feel like...if i let it go...i'm just going to spiral down into oblivion with no one to stop me. And that, my friends...is pretty scary if you ask me. Where do I go from here? I'm really quite at a lost at what to do, when things are looking good (on the surface) i kind of trick myself into just going along, but the depressive things are forever lurking right underneath. I feel like, no matter how hard i try, i can't get rid of them. Not even one. I would seriously jump for joy if one of those negative aspects of my life resolved themselves, but as my luck would have it, not a single one has decided to take leave. Am i doomed to live a life of day by days and month by months, going about life as i know i should...writing e-mails, looking up MCAT classes and doing well in school just so i don't completely fail at life. But superficially succeeding can only go so far...what happens when you're emotionally failing at the same time? How long can that go on for? What path is there for me to take, what is there for me to do to help fix what is wrong? I feel at a loss, and have been for a while...i want to give up, and i think about it so often, but i know that to give up is cowardly. To face the problem and do my best to get it resolved, no matter how many times my attempts keep failing...there's always hope, and it's that hope that i keep clinging onto. I hope some day very soon, that hope will be realized and i can feel like this whole keep trying and one day you'll make it bit is true.

In contemplation,
Me