Unanswerable Questions

Looks like it's gonna be two blogs in one day. I'm supposed to be studying for my chem exam, but i keep getting distracted. It's not the usual distractions though, like music, TV, talking on AIM...but rather things floating around in my head. Of course something triggered me going into thinking mode, but anway. A lot of it is questions that have no answers. That is the part that sux...who wants to have questions for which they know have no answers? I believe a lot in fate and destiny...but i still wonder about the decisions i've chose to make. I might sound contridictory, but i think that even the choices we make in life are already somewhat chosen by our fate. Don't get me wrong, fate doesn't govern our every move...like whether i want to eat a banana or an orange...but like the important things in life. Well anyway...this helps calm my mind to extent but i'm still wondering. What is instore for me? What does the future hold? Am i going to get where i want to be? Can I find comfort in pain? If only...

I don't get it

It seems as though i don't get a lot that goes on. Things always tend to be my fault, even though the other side is perfectly liable to be in the wrong too; I just end up getting yelled at for the whole thing. This is how it usually goes, pretend that i'm standing at an intersection with a bunch of other people waiting to cross the street. It takes forever for the lights to change and for us to be able to walk across, and so i get blamed for not pressing the pedestrian crossing signal when everyone standing there is just as much at fault...but of course I somehow am the one who's to blame. I don't think it's fair when people don't try and see both sides and they automatically say it's your fault. You'd think people are smart enough and care enough to do that favor for you. The world is filled with too many excuses. If you promise you're going to do something and never prove that you did...what good is it? You can't just tell me you fixed my computer, you have to show me you did. A man can't tell his wife that she's more important than his car, and spend every free moment cleaning it or enhancing it. It doesn't work that way...why can't some people understand such a simple idea?

reflecting

Ok, so it's like 1:15am and i have a 9:00 class tomorrow. I should be getting some sleep, but i feel like being relfective before doing so. You don't realize it when it's happening, but if you take a step back and look from the outside at yourself, it's a little scary to see how much other people influence how you think, what you think and how you act. I'm not saying that we're all just a bunch of people being influenced by one another, we do have our own view points and personalities. It's just that sometimes what we have gets tweaked a little here and there and although sometimes it makes you a better person, there's the other side to it too; the side of it where other people take you away from who you were/are. The even scarier thing is that you start thinking and believing that that's who you really are and that you're just finally coming to grips with it. But seriously...what percentage of 18-20 year olds really know who they are right now at this point in life? I'd even go as far to say i'd bet on it that it's a very low percentage...like 10-18%? I think about my self sometimes and wonder. Am I who I really am, or have i not realized my full potential yet? I don't know whether i'm a closet introvert that's trying to make my life happier by pushing myself to be more outgoing than i would usually be; or if I am a closet extrovert that's putting up a less outgoing front because i'm afraid people won't like me. The mind is a very scary place...there's just so much we don't know about how it all works up there, and i know we never will. I just hope i'm doing the right thing by having hope in those that really matter to me.

the start

So i didn't exactly abandon xanga, just discovered this blog thing and because i'm me, decided to give it a try. I look at it as a more adult version of xanga. I hope to keep this going for as long as i can. I'm a journaling freak sometimes. I have an actual journal that i physically write in and a xanga. Well, now i have a blog too. I'm thinking xanga might go away in the near future though, so we'll see.